Hello There,

In my blog post, Victim Mentality! The Mindset that Can Keep You from Escaping Abuse!  I promised I would follow up with some help to escape this thinking.  My hope and prayer is that if you are in an abusive relationship and have this mentality, this will help you make a change so you can escape and gain freedom.  

Being in an abusive relationship is very difficult and it does knock you down. Falling into that victim mentality happens to us all in that situation at least a bit but some can’t find a way out. 

An analogy for this would be if a wild bird were caged and really unable to fly free. And one day the cage door is left wide open, but the bird, because of past ‘learned helplessness’, still doesn’t escape when, in reality, it could. People often do this in their own ways.

When we are without hope, feeling defeated and unable to exercise free will, then we have a victim mentality. Anxiety, fear, and lack of self-belief all contrive to make us feel like victims until we take the reins of our feelings.

Many victims of abuse end up in this place but for many this is rock bottom.  For others they stop right before the bottom and linger there. Rock bottom for a victim of domestic violence is when they come to a place that they can’t take any more.  They get the strength and the courage to “Begin” the journey get help and make a change.  

When you are stuck being a victim, until you do something about that mindset, you will continue to linger and stay in denial.  

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?  

Recognize and Acknowledge that you have a Victim Mentality!  

Admitting you have a problem with this mindset is the first step to change it. With Alcoholics Anonymous’ 12 steps, the first thing you must do is admit you have a problem and it is not different with mindset.

I always tell the women in my group.  They have no control over their abuser, they only have control over themselves.  Change and healing begin with them.  When I say this to someone with this mentality, they don’t hear it.  

This acute recognition really is the first essential step.  If you don’t do this step, you will never move forward.  

Forgive Your Abuser! 

This is very important because when you do not forgive it doesn’t hurt the abuser.  It hurts you by causing you anger and resentment.  It causes you to keep your focus in the wrong place and creates more suffering for you.  You give your power away to your abuser.  

Forgiveness is a choice!  You won’t feel like forgiving especially when you know it will continue to happen.  It doesn’t make what your abuser does to you ok.  If you choose to forgive and continue to forgive, you will have a healthier perspective and you will take your power back.  

Forgive Yourself! 

Many women that find themselves in an abusive relationship need to forgive themselves for allowing it to happen.  The truth is, this can happen to anyone in all walks of life.  It is time to give yourself a break and choose to forgive yourself.  You may even have to remind yourself every day for awhile that you forgive yourself until it feels real.  

Forgiving yourself removes the limiting thinking that can make action seem useless, and that’s vital to begin taking the purposeful actions that will positively impact your life.

Accountability! 

Even when you recognize your mindset and are working on changing it, you will have to work on it.  The best way to get accountability when you are either in abuse or on your journey of healing from it is to consistently attend a support group.  

By attending the support group, you not only get the support you will need where ever you are at on your journey but you will also have truth. Your group will speak truth to you and help you keep your eyes on being a victor an not a victim. 

You can also talk to the people that are close to you that you feel safe with and trust.  Tell them what you are trying to change and ask them to hold you accountable.  Accountability is very powerful and will help you make a change more successfully.  

Meditate or Pray!

Perhaps one of the quickest ways to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to create space in your life. Feeling like a victim is often an irrational instinct driven by fear. By meditating and praying, we create space, build clarity and find perspective. 

Even if it is only for five minutes once in awhile to just take a moment to breathe deep, it will help.  

Meditation and prayer are ways to find a deeper connection and a sense of purpose in life. For many, including myself, feeling that I’m not alone and that all of this has a purpose gets me back up on my feet and retaking control of my life.

I often tell the ladies to take a moment to be still in the craziness.  I remind them that God says: “Be Still and Know that I am GOD!”

Create an Attitude of Gratitude!

You will be amazed at what a difference this makes and you might even be amazed at how much you have to be thankful for once you begin to focus on that. Sometimes I encourage ladies to begin a gratitude journal.  In the journal you write in it each day what you are thankful for, even the smallest things like the flowers and the sunshine.  This will help you change your attitude and your mood.  

Help Others! 

One of the ways you help others is by attending a support group.  You go to the support group for yourself but you also help others that are there.  Just by sharing your story you are helping.  More so, if you are working on changing your mindset and are a journey of change and healing.  If you are moving forward, growing stronger and gaining power back in your life, you will be helping others just by showing up and sharing your story.  

Remember, 1 in 3 women are in or have been a victim of domestic violence.  By sharing your story in a group and with others outside of group, you will help someone.  This will also help you and encourage you.  Don’t just tell everyone that crosses your path but be open to share when to opportunities are presented to you.  

This will help play a role in helping you see yourself as a victor and not a victim.  

I hope this helps you make a change and escape the bondage you have been in. Before I end, I want to share a little story I came across while doing research for this post.  

Once there existed in a lush forest a community of animals who had become victims to the vicious whims of a tyrannical lion. They lived in terror, never knowing upon whom the lion would next pounce. They weren’t complete victims, however, and so decided to take some action. They proposed to the lion that each meal time, rather than waiting with unbearable uncertainty, not knowing who’d be devoured next, the animals themselves would select his meal.

Each animal would draw a straw and the one who picked the shortest would present him or herself at the lion’s cave as his next meal, be it for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. This made the animals feel more in control, and the lion was happy because his meals would henceforth be home-delivered. But the animals were still victims.

A young fox came to live within the community and, seeing the low morale of the other animals, asked what was wrong. They explained how the lion preyed upon them and also how they themselves selected who was to be the next meal.

“When is his next meal time?”

“He has lunch in half an hour; we’re about to draw straws!”

“Not necessary!” said the fox with a glint in his eye. “I volunteer!”

Needless to say, the animals were astonished, thinking the fox quite mad as they gave him directions to the lion’s lair. But the fox dawdled and delayed so that by the time he’d arrived for lunch, the lion was both hungry and angry.

“Are you my lunch?”

“I sure am!” replied the fox cheerfully.

“Then why in the name of all things feline are you so late?”

“Yes, sorry for that. You see, it was the other lion, the really strong, ferocious one. He kept trying to insist that I be his lunch instead of yours, but I kept telling him that I was scheduled to be your victim, not his! Anyway, let’s get on with it; I’m sure you are a busy lion.”

But now anger had vanquished hunger. “Not so fast! Take me to this other lion!”

So the fox led the lion back through the forest, past the other astonished animals, up into a quarry, toward a round, deep well.

“The other lion has made his home down there, if you must know,” said the fox. “But let’s just forget about him; why don’t you just eat me?”

But the lion wasn’t hearing this. He prowled up to the well and peered into it. Of course, he saw ‘another’ lion angrily staring up at him. In an instant, he attacked his own reflection, casting his body down into the deep well.

And that is how the fox saved the community of animals from the big bad lion.

At the end of the day what I always say to victims is, “You Get To Pick!”  

No one can make you change your thinking, no one can make you take the steps to change, no one can make you get help and no one can make you start on a journey to that leads to freedom from abuse.  You are the only one that can do that, so you get to pick just like the fox in the story.  

If you have any questions, need prayer or need help, please contact.  

Peace and Blessings, 
Ruthie