Crazy Making Behavior! What Is It and
How Do You Deal With It?
Ruthie Gilliland
Hello my friend,
Crazy making behavior is something I have experienced and had to learn how to deal with. It did not happen over night, it was a process. Now I do my best to help the women in my group that deal with this behavior and it is not always easy for them.
So what is Crazy Making Behavior?
When you are in a conversation with someone who is always right, you are always the bad one that needs help. You are being put down and disrespected. Being accused of outrageous things and nothing you say is heard or accepted or believed. He never takes responsibility, you are always the blame. Basically, it is a one sided attack and you have no defense even though what is being thrown at you is crazy. This is what we call “Crazy Making” in abuse.
Our natural human nature is to defend ourselves when being attacked. When my husband would attack me with his accusations, I would instantly begin to defend myself. It would go on and on and not only did it hurt, it was exhausting with no victory in site. It was like being in a pit that was getting deeper and deeper. I wanted so badly for him to believe me but during those times of “Crazy Making” it never happened.
I learned about Crazy Making when I began attending my support group. Of course, I already knew what it was because I was living it. I just didn’t have a name for it or know the right way I needed to handle it.
It is impossible to have a meaningful conversation with someone while he or she is putting you down, disrespecting you, saying bad things about you and accusing you. We are often tempted to retaliate, defend or respond in kindness but that is not the solution with crazy making.
So what is the solution?
The one thing you always have control over is YOU! Change begins with you and if you want a change in this destructive pattern of crazy making, you will have to learn to do some things different.
So what can you do?
First you must recognize this kind of behavior and accept that it is destructive to you and your relationship. You will have to learn to set limits and disengage when this behavior begins.
Next time this crazy making of putting you down or blaming you for something begins, instead of arguing or pleading your case, put your arm out and hand up like a traffic cop and calmly say, “Stop putting me down or disrespecting me. I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore. We can’t talk when you treat me like this” Then you must disengage and walk away. Conversation over. If you do not feel safe to say this, than don’t. Your safety comes first! However, you can stop engaging and being sucked into the conversation.
This is not as simple as it may sound. It was pounded in my head for months for me Not to Engage with this crazy making behavior. That is why I said it was a process. I well intended not to engage but I would still get sucked into things, defending myself.
I had read a book by Leslie Vernick, “The emotionally destructive relationship” and than Ron decided to read it also. Near the end of the book you can take a test to find out if you are in an abusive relationship. One day Ron called me at work and said he took the test and that I was abusive to him. I began to defend myself and told him it had to be wrong. I went home right away and printed the test from online to take to group that night. I read through the test and couldn’t understand how he could come up with that.
When I asked him, he based it on a question about lies and deceit. I didn’t lie and deceive him but he was always accusing me of it. I left with test in hand, an emotional wreck and headed to my group. The first thing that was said was, why did I even look at the test? The test was irrelevant! I immediately got it and wanted to kick myself in the back side for letting myself get caught up in it.
You see, I knew I was not abusive to Ron. I knew there was no way that a healthy, non crazy making mind, would take that test and find that I was an abusive person. What happened? I was still in the process of learning not to let him do that to me, suck me into his crazy making. Once they sucked me back in to reality and truth, he had no power over me. When I got home, I simply said that it was not true and I didn’t receive what he said and would no longer discuss it with him.
I could tell you story after story of things like that. Crazy things like me taking my wedding ring off to put on lotion and putting it back on backwards. He noticed and accused me of taking it off because I was cheating. That is crazy making but eventually I learned to not engage and to immediately get away from him any way I could. It still hurt, the things he was accusing me of, but I took away the power that I had been giving him through these accusations and attacks. The more I did it the stronger I got.
Does this sound like you? Are you experiencing crazy making behavior?
I encourage you to work on changing how you respond to this crazy making. Have phrases planned ahead that you can use and than stop engaging….conversation over. I learned to say things like, “That is not true and I do not receive that from you” and than I would leave the house if I was able or go in a room and lock the door and not respond to him anymore. When you do this you are no longer allowing yourself to be his verbal punching bag and you take his power over you away.
As I explained in my situation, it will not happen over night. It is something you will have to put into practice and the more you do it the better and stronger you will get.
I hope this has been helpful. If you have any questions about this or you want more information about Hope Ministries, please contact me. I will respond asap.
Peace and Blessings,
Ruthie
September 15, 2017