Hello my friend,  

Thank you for coming back!  Today I want to talk to you about some common myths about Domestic Violence. The truth is, before my experience with domestic violence, I would have been one of those people that judged a circumstance with out really knowing what I was talking about.  That is why I feel the need to spread more awareness about domestic violence because Knowledge is Power!  One person with a little bit of knowledge, can make a difference in someone’s life.  

Domestic Violence is Not Common!

This is a huge misconception!  Not only is it common but it has grown from One in four women will experience relationship violence in their lives to One in three.   From 2003–2012, domestic violence accounted for nearly a quarter of all violent victimizations.  Imagine how much that has grown today.  

And even the stats we have are just for physical violence, and don’t take verbal and emotional abuse into account.  I was only physically assaulted one time but the emotional abuse was unbearable and the threat of physical abuse was very real.  

It’s Impossible to Love Someone Who Abuses You!

Love is part of how women end up in these abusive situations and why they stay.  Of course, they are deceived and manipulated by their abuser from the beginning.  Even though they are being abused, the abuser shows them a glimpse of that person they fell in love with to keep them hooked.  I have heard so many times, women sharing what is happening, knowing they need to get away from it.  In the next breath they will say, but I love him.  It is difficult!  

Domestic Violence Happens When Someone Flies Out of Control!  

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in which one exerts power and control over another individual.  To say He’s out of control is far from true. Everything about this person is about control, actually. There are a lot of strategies that an abusive partner uses in order to control their partners aside from physical violence — verbal abuse, isolation, controlling the finances, reproductive coercion.  Maybe there was one physical abuse incident, but she usually speaks to the isolation, the verbal abuse, the fear, the threats.”

Domestic Violence is Always Physical!

Intimate partner violence exists on a continuum of behaviors — it’s not just punching and slapping, and it’s rare that the first act of abuse is a violent one. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, verbal, and sexual, and often escalates. An abuser may initially be charismatic and caring before slowly starting to wear away at your self-esteem by criticizing you, implying you simply aren’t good enough, and isolating you from family and friends. Then, it’s less shocking and harder to leave when verbal abuse begins, or when it segues into physical abuse. Abusers may also push your sexual boundaries by coercing, pressuring, threatening, or intimidating you into unwanted sexual activity, or even sexually assaulting you. And reproductive coercion — tampering with your birth control or pressuring you to get pregnant — is another common abuse tactic, with 1 in 3 women in abusive relationships also experiencing reproductive abuse, and 1 in 8 women who aren’t in otherwise abusive relationships reporting such coercion.

If Someone Abuses You, it’s an Obvious Decision to Leave the Relationship!

Often times people can be so quick to judge from outside a relationship.  They say things like,  Why does the woman stay? I say to you, it just isn’t that simple.  We talk about it as if it’s a very simple solution: If someone is very abusive to you, you just walk away. But it’s a very complex situation. If you are economically dependent on someone and you depend on them to pay the bills, if they’re paying the mortgage or the rent or putting food on the table, or if you’re the one working and you can’t afford child care, that makes it harder to leave. 

We’ve all been in relationships that are good, and we’ve all been in relationships that are bad, and you might have a friend who says, ‘He’s a jerk,’ but he’s not a jerk to you all the time. It’s easier to judge why other people stay in a relationship than to understand that human relationships are complex, and for the people in abusive ones, the abuse is not necessarily what defines the relationship.  

There’s also legitimate fear that separating from their partner will lead to more violence, given that women in abusive relationships are most at risk when they try to leave.

What people don’t realize is that when there’s domestic violence, the fear is real.  We know in domestic violence relationships there are a lot of threats made — ‘I’m gonna take the kids, I’m gonna hurt you.’ Women know that isn’t an empty threat.

There is no Good Reason for A Victim to Call the Police!  

Calling the police is a lifesaver for many women. But many hesitate because they don’t want their partner to go to jail, or because they fear calling may escalate the violence, or because they don’t trust that the police. 

A lot of domestic violence victims think, I know him and I’m the only one who can really navigate this, and if I involve law enforcement they could never keep me safe.  That sense of fear that no one could ever keep them safe, it’s real. As a society, we tend to undermine or minimize what those concerns are — why not go to the police; they’re in the best position to help you? Well, the police aren’t living with you 24/7.

If you suspect abuse is taking place with someone you know, call the police.  Go with your gut, not with what the victim is telling you.  You could save their life.  

Both Parties Usually Hold Some Responsibility in Domestic Violence Situations!

Some violent situations are cases of two equally violent parties getting into a physical fight. But that’s rare.

It’s never OK for anyone to hit anyone but when you are being attacked your automatic instinct is to try to protect yourself.  When I was being attacked by my husband, it went on for some time.  All I was trying to do was get away and some how in that struggle his lip got busted open.  I don’t even know when it happened.  Suddenly, it was all about what I did to him.  This is a scenario that I often hear over and over from when.  

And there’s nothing a victim does that can instigate violence. Abusers routinely tell their victims that something in the victim’s behavior made the violence happen — she was nagging, she was rude, she just made him so angry. Those are excuses, not explanations.  The bottom line is, abuse is a choice and it is NEVER the victims fault.  

Women Abuse Men Just as Often as Men Abuse Women!

Relationship violence does happen to men. But for every man hospitalized by domestic violence, there are 46 women who go to the hospital. Enough said! 

Men are Never Victims of Abuse, and Women Never Perpetrators!

Although the numbers are higher among women, men do experience it too. While men are less likely to be harmed by domestic violence, that doesn’t mean they’re never victims. While one in three women have experienced domestic violence in their lives, it is one in seven for men.  I personally know of two men that I know are in an abusive relationship or marriage.  Synergy has treatment programs for abusers.  Someone from synergy once told me that the male abuser group is always full and the group for women abusers usually only has one or two perpetrators.

 Drugs and Alcohol Cause Domestic Violence!  

Drug and alcohol use can be exacerbating factors for violent individuals, but they don’t cause violence — rather, they can lower the inhibitions of already violent people. There are plenty of people who use drugs and alcohol, and don’t act violently; too often, we blame violence on the substance itself, and not on the abuser. And abusers themselves use drugs or alcohol as excuses for their violence, blaming beer instead of their own behavior.

People Who Commit Domestic Violence are Violent in Most of Their Relationships!  

While it is not unheard of that abusers can often demonstrate abusive behavior outside of their intimate relationships, they also often come off as the kindest, most generous people to others.  It is for this reason that we should caution the use of the word “monster” when referring to abusers. When we use the word “monster” to describe an abuser, we not only pathologize the abusers, we also assume that domestic violence is a rare occurrence. 

You Can Rescue a Friend from Domestic Violence!

Of all the misconceptions out there, I truly wish this one was true.  It’s easy to want to be a savior, but you can’t save another person. The victim of abuse is the only one that can decide.  We can’t make decisions for them.  We can’t open their eyes and take action. But you can support them, you can be a resource for them and you can pray for them.  You can provide a nonjudgmental, safe place for them.  You want to create a place where she can be honest. Do your research, have resources ready to share with them when they is ready.  A lot of friends and family think, If I just talk to him, it’ll stop. That’s a very dangerous situation and can have repercussions for her. You have to be smart about how you support the friends until she’s ready to leave the relationship.

Tough Love is the Best Way to Help a Victim of Violence!

Pushing them to leave is the worst thing to do.  If someone feels like they aren’t heard and they’re being told how to handle it, chances are they aren’t going to confide in you when things get worse. The best thing is to listen, to understand, to say that it’s very complicated but that you’re worried about their safety and are they willing to sit and speak with someone.”

Then offer resources, including the National Domestic Violence Hotline.  Check my resource page for more resources and check the internet for resources in your area, shelters, support groups, etc.  

It’s not easy to watch a friend get hurt. But part of how abusers work is by destroying a victim’s self-esteem and isolating her from the people who care about her — so she thinks she’s worthless and then feels judged and marginalized by the people who actually care, driving her closer to her abuser and making it even harder to leave. The best thing you can do is to give her the tools to help herself and be there for her and love her even when it’s hard, showing her that real, unconditional love without violence is possible.

I hope this has been helpful and I pray that this information enables you to be able to make a difference in someone’s life when the opportunity presents itself.  

Peace and Blessings,

Ruthie